Totally Lost…

helplessness n 1: powerlessness revealed by an

inability to act; “in spite of their weakness the group remains highly active” [syn: weakness, impuissance] 2: the state of

needing help from something 3: a feeling of being unable to manage

Number three…that’s me. This isn’t like a cry for help

post or anything even remotely close to that. just a small glimpse of how i’ve felt lately. These last two weeks…i don’t

think i’ve ever felt more helpless. With Dee’s father dying last week…and me stuck in a position of not knowing what to

do…or if i should do anything…or even if i should be there. Honestly…i can’t think of another time i’ve ever been that

lost. i try to always be there for people when i can…and as weird as it sounds….when i can’t…i get upset. not like

crying or anything…but i feel like…i wasn’t a good enough friend…or something sappy like that.

Even today…me and

val went to have lunch…and in the first 10 seconds i saw her…she was coughing so bad that she couldn’t breath. it stopped

and we walked toward the restaurant. when it hit her again. it was pretty bad…so bad it brought tears to her eyes. my first

instinct is to try to hold her…but i think about people that pass out and can’t breath….you give them space…so i tried.

but stepping back to me felt weird. it felt like i wasn’t doing anything and i should have been. Well…we made it to the

restaurant…and sat down…and she wasn’t better but it had slowed. that is until we sat down. and it hit her again. i asked

if she wanted to just get some food and go home…cause i live just down the street. and she said no. it’s one of those things

that i think too much…so when i asked her that…i thought maybe she felt like i was embarrassed of her being sick in this

public place. which…i can tell you…i would never be embarrassed of val. she’s one of the most beautiful women i’ve ever

had the opportunity to lay my eyes on. on top of that…i think she’s one of the smartest…and funniest. so…in no

way…would i ever be embarrassed. i even told her not to worry about these people sitting around us. if it bothers them they

can move:)

but it was tough…she had basically lost her voice in the 20 minutes i was with her. so we ordered…and had a

nice little…almost sign language esque…conversation. which consisted of me trying to read her lips…and her hand gestures

🙂 that part i have to say was kinda fun.

anyway…kinda got off subject…but the point is. she was in pain…not like

dee was last week…but still…a form of pain. and…i saw it…i knew why it was happening….but…there was nothing…at

least that i thought of….that i could do. i hate that. i’m not saying i want to handle everything…but if someone is

feeling pain…i want to be able to help. and it’s just weird how back to back weeks…have started off…with me stuck in that

position. i know this was totally random…but if you know me…then you totally understand how that’s fitting.

anyway…

late

ray



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