My First Pumpkin Patch…

Carving a pumpkin around halloween is just a must. I mean what other time do I get to show off my artistic skills to random strangers outside my house? So yesterday me and doan did something I’ve never done before. We went to Aloun Farms Pumpkin Patch to pick out the perfect carving pumpkin. It’s the only pumpkin patch on oahu, and it’s about an hour away from where we live. The place was pretty cool…well I mean as cool as farms can get. But the crazy thing was how many fucking people were there. Like I pictured 50 people or so taking there little kids to pick some pumpkins. NO! It was nuts. It was like a…cheap bearded lady type…carnival. There had to be 1000 people there, and another hundred or so circling the parking lot.

We took the sneeky route. We parked on the side of the road rather than paying the 3 bones to get in the parking lot. Yeah I know doan has turned me into a cheap skate. So anyway…we park on the road…and start walking into this patch of a farm. I need to add that I hate being dirty. Not like normal people hate being dirty…like…i need 8 million napkins eating bbq cause I seriously hate being dirty. So with that being said. Walking around in the dirt with slippers (sandals for you non hawaii folk) gets you fucking dirty. Our feet and legs were just brown. And not like i’m a mexican so obviously I’m brown. It was like I’m a mexican that hasnt’ showered and pick fruit at a white man’s farm brown. I know. Shity. So anyway like I said earlier this place was like a wannabe carnival. There were rock climbing booths, space ships for the little ones, and for the adults…pink plastic bags to carry all of the huge pumpkins you want. Yeah like this fucking pink thin ass bag is going to hold the 30 pound pumpkin. Why even hand me anything. Have they not seen this texas size plastic trash island? Hand me a wagon to pull these damn things.

So once you pass the carnival type area you’re just in the middle of a farm. Lots of rows of…you guessed it…pumpkins. We go up and down rows upon rows of pumpkins just looking for that one that’s calling to us saying “Pick me! Pick Me! I want to be carved up with a nice and have my insides ripped out!” And after about an hour, we found our first pumpkin sacrifice. So I put it into one of those bullshit pink bags they gave us. And we keep looking. About 20 minutes later we’ve found ourselves at the very back (farthest away from the car as possible) of this farm. And what starts to happen? The fucking bag breaks. Just rips the handles right off. So I get pissed…and say fuck it…there are a million of these things…we’ll find another one…and I put it down. We’re searching and searching. And have made our way all the way back to the front of the farm.

By this time doan had found her pumpkin…and had a great idea to carve Gene Simmons in Kiss on this white pumpkin. But it was after she found this that she said “ya know…I really like that pumpkin that we had at first. i think it was perfect” If you’d like me to translate that for you…she said “Hey…I want that pumpkin you left in the very back of the farm. Go get it…cause that’s the one I want.” Well that’s what I heard anyway. So we tracked it back to the end of the farm…not even knowing if it would still be there. Lucky for me. It was there…still in the broken pink bag. So I created more trash for the texas size island and carried the pumpkin back to the front of the farm.

So now we have our pumpkins and are making our way to the front where there is a long line of people standing in front of a sign that said “Pumpkin Pay Here”. Now I don’t know if they know this or not…but that doesn’t fuck make sense. Pay for your pumpkin here…maybe. Whatever…it’s hawaii. It was when I saw that sign that I got an idea. We didn’t pay for parking…so should we even pay for these pumpkin? I looked at doan and let her know my idea…and being the thief that she is…of course she got all excited and said lets do it. So we walked like were going to the pay line…and then got behind a family that just paid and were heading to the parking lot. We’re sneaky bastards.

So we loaded these bad boys up and I looked to doan and said “The gots no money from us baby doll”. So long story short we’re a couple of dirty brown thieves.  But it was fucking fun. I can definately see us taking our kids to something like this every year. I’m sure they’ll get a kick out of it for like 10 minutes…and then I’ll have to carry them and the pumpkins. Sounds great huh?

Well thanks doan…for taking me to my first Pumpkin Patch. It was orgasmic. And I’ll put up some picks of our carved pumpkins when we get them done. You can see all the pumpkin patch photos here.

1 Comment

  1. Toph

    how you gonna steal from a pumpkin patch? you know what? you can get some great toys from the children’s hospital. maybe you guys ought to go down there and see what you can do? and while you’re at it… send me a tricycle, i’ve been wanting one.

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