I’m Rick James Bitch…

So friday night…doan decides she wants to take me somewhere i’ve never been before. She’s planned for weeks now to take me to a comedy club called punchline, but neither of us have had the time to do it. Before i get out of work she gives me a call and tells me that she’s made reservations and tonight’s the night.

After an interesting bus ride home. i get off the bus and head to the parking garage where doan is waiting. I get there and i see her and her little dog kola wearing a little green knit sweater. It’s adorable. Kola i have to say is the only chihuahua i’ve ever liked. My aunt and my cousin both have them and they just yelp and are so protective that it’s annoying. But he spent the night at my house before and was very well trained. Way too damn spoiled…but still a great dog.

Anyway…we get kola to the house…and by this time i’m starving. We head down to where the comedy club is thinking that there should be plenty of places to eat. We find this fancy mall with a bunch of restaurants on the top floor. Chevy’s, Tony Romas, some indian joint, and then this irish pub bistro thing. I checked the menu on the pub and it sounded really good. The place was really nice. Hardwood everywhere with a good feel to it. But i should have known from the beginning.

We walk through the door…and instead of being greeted by a host. We’re greeted with a sign that says seat yourself. I look around and see a bunch of rich lookin white folk. So i figure this place still has to be decent. So we sit order a couple glasses of wine. I have a chicken pasta…and she gets a organic salad with apples. The wine was pretty good…but when the food came i had to say…i was disgusted.

As soon as she sat the plate down…i knew i wasn’t eating that shit. The grilled chicken strips on top of the past looked pretty good…but if you can imagine porage…like nasty clumpy pale sauce. Actually it wasn’t sauce…it was already at that thick one piece of liquid mold wrapped in pasta noodles. It was gross as fuck. I didn’t eat it. Just had some bread and my wine.

So we have a conversation about how i can’t complain. And i’ll end up just getting some food later if i’m hungry. I don’t want to bitch and then sit around for something else.


So we still have an hour to kill before the show…so we walk to block looking for a place to get warm and have a drink. There is a Hyatt across the street. Now this kinda freaked me out. The Hyatt in texas isn’t anything special…but this hyatt was spladoww! It was dark wood…soft seats…high end shit. We walked up to the bar and are greated by 3…dats right 3 bartenders. 2 women in suits and a bartender in a old school bartender/barber outfit. We get some wine and chill by the window in a gorgeous candle lit setting.

So 2 thumbs up for the Hyatt in san francisco. Fucking pimp. I want to stay there just for the hell of it. So an hour goes by and we head to the show. There’s a nice line at the place when we get there…and it’s pretty damn cold. We’re standing outside in line for a good hour when they finally start letting people in.

We have a seat and i’m a lil worried. They sit us in the front row…but on the side of the stage. It was next to the steps up to the stage so i’m already thinking the comedian was going to walk down the steps and come straight to us and start talking shit.

The host came out. He was a weird white skinny nerdy lookin dude and i dont’ remember his name. He kept making gangsta jokes…that weren’t funny but that just seemed weird coming from this little white guy with converse on.

The next guy comes out and is older mexican dude. He cracked a bunch of mexican jokes and it was pretty funny…but nothing special. Finally the main guy gets on stage and not soon enough. I’m starting to get tired cause it’s not that interesting. But this guy…was funny as fuck. A half mexican…so he was cracking jokes that probably only i got…but everyone was dyin. Doan was falling out of her chair he was so good.

He wasn’t on stage for more than 30 minutes when a light flashed. He looked up…like what the fuck…why are you flashing me…i’m the headliner. He’s like “Did i just see get off the stage and wrap it up light go off???” And someone screams Special Guest. Everybody is like what the fuck. He makes a crack like. Well i guess my show is over..cause someone’s here. And umm…their special. Oh and they’re a guest. So umm…bye.

I turn around since we’re right next to where you walk up to the stage and i see this white guy. I’m like who the fuck is this…that guy was funny. Fuck…i thought to myself. I’m ready to go home. The dorky host goes back up on stage and says “Ladies and gentlemen…it’s my pleasure to introduce Mr. Dave Chapelle.”

HOLY FUCK!!!!!!!!!!! Dave Chapelle comes running up the stage…and everyone just stands up and starts freaking out. It was fucking awesome. I was like what the fuck. I was ready to leave…and bam…suddenly Dave Fucking Chapelle is up on stage in front of me. I pull out my camera and start trying to get a good shot. I got 2 blurry ones…and then the security comes running over to me telling me to put up my camera. I’m like…umm…it’s a comedy club not a fucking concert. I can’t take fucking picture. I’m still happy that Dave Chapelle is saying I’m Rick James Bitch! in front of me.

It was nuts…cause Dave has a lot of drama going on right now. He passed up 51 million dollars to do another season of his show on comedy central…and just said fuck it and went to Africa. Apparently…he just got off the plane back from Africa…and drove straight to the comedy club. He looked tired as hell…and really didn’t have any material. He was just standing up there talking…and being random…but still fucking funny. He seemed really sad actually. There was a newspaper that wrote an article saying he was a coke head and did all these drugs. And he said something like “Man…that’s a real newspaper. And they’re talking shit about me…and people are really going to believe it. I don’t even smoke weed anymore…and the whole world thinks i’m a crack head.”

It was sad. He went on and on and on. I mean he had to be up there for over an hour and half…and just rambling. He started smoking…and if you don’t know…you can’t do that in california. But like they were going to tell him he couldn’t. He went through 4 cigarettes…and a beer. Before he finally said “Well people are leaving…so either i’ve been up here for way too damn long…or i fucking suck. Either way. I’m outta here.”

How fucking cool is that. Here’s a photo i took before security tried to tackle me. It’s blurry as fuck…but it’s him.

I’m Rick James Bitch.



1 Comment

  1. Beth Dinger

    Ummm… yeah… I’m leaving a

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